


Coefficient

by PartridgeOnAPearTree



Series: Transversal [11]
Category: Dangan Ronpa, Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-14
Updated: 2015-11-14
Packaged: 2018-05-01 14:31:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5209406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PartridgeOnAPearTree/pseuds/PartridgeOnAPearTree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As he closes his eyes and tries to drift to sleep, only one thought repeatedly crosses his mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coefficient

**Author's Note:**

> It's here!!!  
> Hey, guys, if you haven't read my Komahina oneshot entitled 'Nagito Komaeda Has Accepted Your Friend Request!' yet, please do check it out!!! :) I love you all! <3

**Sender: Naegi Makoto**

_Hey, Hinata-kun. Komaeda-kun is sleeping with me tonight. Don’t worry. :)_

**Sender: Naegi Makoto**

_WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. I DIDN’T MEAN IT THAT WAY, I’M SO SORRY. WHAT I MEANT TO SAY WAS THAT HE'S SLEEPING IN OUR DORM ROOM TONIGHT. I’M SO SORRY, I DIDN’T MEAN THAT, I SWEAR._

**Sender: Naegi Makoto**

_Haha, sorry, I'm so disgraceful. I'm also sorry for the caps! I just got embarrassed… Let me start over?_

_Hi, Hinata-kun. Komaeda-kun won’t be coming home tonight because he's with me. You don’t have to worry. That’s all. ^^_

-

**Recipient: Naegi Makoto**

_Sure, you guys have fun._

 

[Do you want to delete this message thread?]

[Yes.]

 

\--

Hinata fucked up.

 

Not like that’s new—he always does anyway, but he feels like he fucked up extra this time.

 

Not only did he accuse Komaeda of not caring about him—to be fair, Hinata still does wonder if Komaeda indeed does—but he also lost his cool and acted like a total asshole.

 

Or at least that’s what he thinks. Komaeda seems to have felt guilty himself, and the other side of Hinata’s mind thinks that maybe it’s better if he just forgets about that whole thing happening because it wouldn’t do the two of them well if they're feeling simultaneously guilty.

 

If this goes on, Komaeda might start feeling uncomfortable by Hinata’s mere presence, and that probably is one of the worst, if not _the_ worst, scenarios that Hinata can think about involving Komaeda. Hell, having to put up with Komaeda rambling on about Naegi the whole day is still preferable over Komaeda not wanting to be around Hinata anymore.

 

One of the reasons why Hinata is so guilty about confronting Komaeda regarding lying to him is because he feels like he doesn’t even have the right to do so. Just by merely existing and going on with his everyday without telling Komaeda the truth behind his ‘talent’ and his involvement with the Reserve Course—Hinata can’t claim that he himself is being entirely honest, can he?

 

Hypocrisy at its finest.

 

How shameful.

 

\--

 

“Hinata-kun, I’ve been thinking…” Komaeda’s face is flushed as he seems like he's doing his best to avoid Hinata’s eyes. As for Hinata, he can’t stop thinking about how utterly cute the sight is. “This is going to sound really weird…”

 

“No, it’s okay.” Hinata furrows his eyebrows. “Didn’t you say nothing is weird when it comes to you? What is it?”

 

The color of Komaeda’s cheeks becomes even more visible upon him hearing Hinata’s comment. “It’s just that Hinata-kun might hate me for this, so…”

 

“And I already said that I can’t hate you even if I try.” Hinata knows that for sure. Not only because he isn’t really a hostile person to begin with, but also because… well, it’s Komaeda. “It’s okay. I won’t judge. What is it?”

 

Komaeda bites his lower lip, his eyes still avoiding Hinata’s gaze. Hinata won’t mind waiting because it’s like staring at a really cute loading screen. “Well, you see, I…” He takes a deep breath. “I felt really, really bad about lying to you about my number… so I was thinking…”

 

“About that, it’s really okay. It’s fine if you stop thinking about that.” Hinata immediately interjects. “I understand why you did what you did, and I know you didn’t mean harm. It’s okay, Komaeda. It’s really okay.”

 

“I was just thinking that maybe it’s a good idea if I let Hinata-kun…” Komaeda musters his courage to make eye contact despite the still evident blush on his face. “…sleep with me.”

 

That was when Hinata realizes that he's in a dream.

 

Because he knows that there's no way this kind of thing is going to happen in real life. There's no way that Komaeda will look at him with that flustered expression without immediately bringing up Naegi (that was such a dead giveaway, Hinata should have realized that he was dreaming the instant Komaeda blushed and didn’t say Naegi’s name shortly after), and there's especially no way Komaeda will look at him with those eyes.

 

Those eyes, underneath the layers of nervousness and fear of rejection, carry a look of eagerness and desire at the same time.

 

There's just no way.

 

“Would you be alright with that?” Hinata carefully asks. None of this is real, but he still feels the need to make sure.

 

“It’s my idea, right?” ‘Komaeda’ finds it in himself to smile, relief all over his features. It was scary how realistic this dream is—well, aside from what's actually happening—the small details seem so true, down from the curls of Komaeda’s hair to the redness of his face. “So… would Hinata-kun want it? Would Hinata-kun want the body of someone like me?”

 

It would be really, really horrible of Hinata if he allows himself to indulge in this, right?

 

He moves closer anyway. Since he's plenty of horrible already, there's nothing much left to change. “I don’t want your body.” He places his hands on Komaeda’s cheek. “I want _you_. That’s different.”

 

‘Komaeda’ blinks, confused. “Hinata-kun doesn’t want to sleep with me then…?”

 

“No, no, I mean,” Hinata shakes his head. “I do want to sleep with you, but… saying it that way, it’s making it sound as if that’s all I'm after… when actually, that’s not the case at all.”

 

“Hinata-kun wants more then?” ‘Komaeda’ smiles and nods, as if finally getting it. “I’ll give you anything.”

 

“No, I think you're misunderstanding again.” Hinata embraces him, and ‘Komaeda’ leans his head on Hinata’s chest. Hinata plants a soft kiss on his hair and closes his eyes. “…I like you. I love you. That’s why it feels wrong for me to just sleep with you as if you're just a… body. Especially since you're much, much more than that.”

 

‘Komaeda’ hums and snuggles closer to the embrace. Even his warmth was realistic, and Hinata finds himself leaning closer too. The slight tickling sensation of ‘Komaeda’s’ hair felt real, the smoothness of his skin felt real, everything felt real—

 

But that’s all.

 

They just _feel_ real, just like the things that Hinata used to assume back then.

 

Maybe this is the best that Hinata can have. A fabrication, a fantasy, an almost.

 

“I love you too, Hinata-kun.” ‘Komaeda’ purrs against him. Even his voice sounds exactly like the real deal. “There's no one else for me but you. I'm so glad you feel the same way…”

 

“No one else…” Hinata repeats. He slowly nods his head, the words ringing in his head. “That’s right. It’s only just the two of us… It’s supposed to be that way…”

 

‘Komaeda’ murmurs on his chest, but Hinata still hears what he says clearly. “Hinata-kun is right… Hinata-kun is always right.” He looks up and they make eye contact, and Hinata can’t help but to mentally comment that his eye color was spot on too. It was the same perfect cross of green and gray, and now that Hinata thinks about it…

 

Now that Hinata thinks about it, if everything is so similar, what's so bad about settling for a fabrication anyway?

 

\--

 

Hinata woke up feeling even worse than he usually does.

 

The last thing that he could remember from his horribly self-indulgent dream was snuggling next to Komaeda, and the sensation was so realistic that Hinata became momentarily confused that he woke up alone on his bed.

 

He woke up feeling disappointed that he did.

 

He woke up wishing that he never did.

 

\--

 

“Hey, Hinata, man, good morning.” Souda slaps him on the back, and he just murmurs a halfhearted good morning as a response. “You look like hell. Didn’t get enough sleep?”

 

“It’s not that.” Hinata replies almost as soon as he was asked. “I got enough sleep… I guess I just didn’t wake up properly.”

 

“Ah.” Souda nods, his eyebrows furrowed. “I get it. I get like that too when I dream about Sonia-san… There's just that annoying feeling of being interrupted from something really important, right?”

 

“…Are you implying that I dreamt about Komaeda because—”

 

“Hah!” Souda grins at him, bordering on smirking, actually. “I didn’t say anything like that, Hinata. You said it yourself.”

 

“I didn’t dream about Komaeda.” Hinata says with so much conviction that it was more proper to actually call it a declaration.

 

To be fair, he really didn’t anyway.

 

That person in his dream isn’t Komaeda.

 

That person is nothing but a fake, nothing but a representation of Hinata’s selfishness and everything that he wants but can’t have.

 

And the dream itself is a representation of Hinata’s inability to just give up instead of stupidly continuing on hoping, his inability to just accept that he's not good enough, he never was, and he never ever will be.

 

\--

 

“Hinata-kun…?”

 

Hinata feels a hand patting him softly on the back. He slowly opens his eyes, looking around him, and finally to the person who woke him up. His arms hurt—he seems to have leaned his head on them for too long, and he idly massages one of them before speaking.

 

“…Komaeda?” He knew it was Komaeda even before looking to check. Komaeda’s voice was permanently etched in his mind that it would be practically impossible for him to not recognize it. “Why are you in the library alone? Where's Naegi?”

 

“Huh?” Komaeda blinks, tilting his head. “Hinata-kun, you might be still half-asleep…”

 

“…What?” Hinata scratches his eyes.

 

And suddenly Komaeda was gone.

 

Hinata’s still in the library, his head still rested on his arms, and the uncomfortable feeling on them was still present. He lifts his head and looks around the place. The library looked like its usual self—students busily scribbling at long sheets of paper, conversing in hushed tones, staring madly at a notebook then into nothingness alternately…

 

Komaeda isn’t around.

 

Seems like it was another dream.

 

Hinata sighs and massages his temples. He really is a horrible person. He didn’t quickly understand what happened in his dream, but now that he thinks more hardly about it, it seems that he dreamt about a Komaeda who doesn’t know who Naegi is.

 

Naegi has been nothing but kind to him, and to think that he was trying to erase the former’s existence, even if it’s just in a dream…

 

That’s not good.

 

That’s not good at all.

 

\--

 

“Hinata-kun, I'm home!” Komaeda calls out at the same time he opened the door. Hinata immediately turns to him with a small smile, uttering a soft greeting himself. “I bought new shampoo, and I think I might have gotten too many… so if Hinata-kun runs out of his, feel free to ask some from me!”

 

“I will, thanks.” Hinata puts down the notebook that he was sifting through before fully facing Komaeda. “So how was your day? You seem especially happy right now.”

 

“Aren't I always happy anyway?” Komaeda giggles and walks towards him. He peeks at Hinata’s notebook when he's near enough before asking. “What is Hinata-kun studying right now?”

 

“Complex numbers…” Hinata lightly pushes the notebook to a position that will allow Komaeda to see it much more conveniently. “I'm just reading the notes that I wrote earlier.”

 

“I see.” Komaeda nods, lightly rubbing his chin. “Would it be alright if we study together, Hinata-kun?”

 

“Yeah, sure, of course.” Hinata stands up. “Do you want to transfer to your bed though? So that the both of us can sit down?”

 

Komaeda giggles. “I’d like that. Hinata-kun really is too nice… but I also won’t mind standing up. It’s really okay.”

 

“Nah, I’d prefer the option where the both of us are comfortable.” Hinata replies as he already walks towards Komaeda’s bed, and Komaeda closely follows behind. “What subject are we going to study?”

 

“I’ll go with whatever Hinata-kun picks.” He hears Komaeda’s voice behind him. Hinata finally reaches the bed and sits on it, and Komaeda positions himself beside him not too shortly after. “We can continue with Math since it seems that you’ve already started on it.”

 

“But the lesson for Math earlier is actually simple and short.” Hinata hands him the notebook for emphasis. “Maybe we should go beyond that topic and get started on the next one in the book.”

 

“I'm okay with that.” Komaeda giggles and turns to him, his eyes almost looking proud. “Hinata-kun really is so responsible… That’s one of the reasons why I love you so much…”

 

 

It seems that Hinata’s in another dream. He suddenly feels stupid for not realizing it quickly. He should have known that this wasn’t real the moment ‘Komaeda’ didn’t talk about Naegi when asked how his day went. Hinata reaches out and ruffles ‘Komaeda’s’ hair just to feel its softness even if he knows that this is nothing genuine.

 

“Do you really love me?” Even Hinata is disgusted with himself for even keeping this up, truth to be told.

 

“What's there to not love about you?” ‘Komaeda’ lightly blushes, but he still keeps his smile on as he leans to Hinata’s touch. “Hinata-kun is kind, smart, and handsome… you're basically perfect, you know.”

 

“I'm not perfect…” Hinata murmurs. ‘Komaeda’ transfers to straddle his lap, and Hinata closes his eyes. “If there's anyone who's perfect around here, it’s you.”

 

“Hinata-kun, I'm quite far from perfect, you know.” He snuggles against Hinata’s neck as he speaks. “But hearing that from you makes me so happy.”

 

Hinata gently runs his fingers through ‘Komaeda’s’ hair. “Same… I'm nothing special, but I'm happy too if you think I am.”

 

‘Komaeda’ slightly pulls away to lean his forehead on Hinata’s. “Hinata-kun is the best person that I have ever known…” Hinata feels ‘Komaeda’s’ soft lips against his after that, and even if he never felt the sensation of the real Komaeda’s lips, he can swear that this must be how soft they would be.

 

The way Hinata moves his lips against his, even if he's nothing but a dream—it feels too flawless and smooth, and Hinata gets the brief thought of—

 

_I don’t want to wake up anymore._

_Let me stay here._

He feels ‘Komaeda’s’ hands cupping his cheeks before slightly pulling away and leaning his forehead on Hinata’s again. “I’ll always be here for you, Hinata-kun.”

 

Hinata remembers waking up with tears on the corner of his eyes, his right hand clutching his chest, and wondering if it’s normal to dread waking up this much.

 

\--

 

“Hinata, Hinata,” He hears a rather creepy singsong voice accompanied with a hand tapping his back, and he slowly lifts his head from his desk. He had to blink a few times before realizing what kind of situation he is at the moment.

 

Hanamura is beside him—turns out he was the one tapping Hinata—and the teacher is looking at him with a displeased expression. Hinata had to blink again to realize that their entire class is practically staring at him and their teacher.

 

“Since one of you is confident enough to fall asleep in my class,” The teacher speaks finally after what seemed to be an eternity of uncomfortable silence and staring. “It must mean that the topic is easy to be understood. Get a whole sheet of paper, class. We’re having a long quiz.”

 

Collective groans were heard all across the room, and Hinata himself was surprised by the fact that he felt so little, bordering on none, guilt regarding this whole thing. He can feel Komaeda from an aisle and chair away directing a worried look at him, and he wonders why because there is nothing to be worried about.

 

Is Komaeda worried about failing the quiz?

 

That’s the only possible source of worry for Komaeda at the moment, but that sounds farfetched too since he's really smart anyway. Hinata shakes the thoughts off, thinking that the sooner he gets this over with, the sooner he can get back to sleep.

 

\--

 

As soon as the bell rang, Hinata started clearing his desk, ready to just sleep the entire lunch time away.  He isn’t really feeling hungry anyway, so it probably doesn’t matter. He was about to rest his head on his arms—this position is getting familiar to him already—when he feels someone taking the seat next to him.

 

It doesn’t seem like Hanamura, so he curiously looks up to see who it was. A big part of him is hoping that it’s Komaeda (who knows, maybe he has fallen asleep already and his dream has started before he even realized it), but it turns out that he was mistaken. There sat Tsumiki Mikan, the Super High School Level Nurse, on the chair next to him.

 

She was looking at him worriedly and nervously, Hinata realizes that he must be looking rather unwelcoming, so he corrects himself and puts on at least a small smile. “Did you need something, Tsumiki?”

 

“W-Well, I just…” She bit her lower lip. She looks like she's regretting her actions already. “I-I'm really sorry for being a prying little pig, b-but I was just worried of H-Hinata-san because he seems to be falling asleep quite frequently n-nowadays… P-Please forgive me for being so nosy! I’ll perform a t-trick for you if you want!”

 

“No, there's no need for that.” Hinata immediately says before she continues. “It’s okay. I appreciate your concern. It’s really nothing though. I just realized recently that I really like sleeping, so… if this is because I caused the entire class to have a quiz earlier, then I'm sorry, I’ll do my best not to get caught again.”

 

“I-It’s not that…” She started fumbling with her fingers, staring at the floor. “I-If it’s not too much to ask… m-may I ask the average length of sleep that Hinata-san gets at night?”

 

Hinata lightly furrows his eyebrows, but he quickly scolds himself upon seeing Tsumiki getting even more nervous. “…Why do you ask?”

 

His choice of reply seems to be wrong as Tsumiki started to look like she's going to cry anytime soon. “I-I'm so sorry… I'm really sorry, Hinata-san… Please forgive me… I'm sorry…”

 

“Okay, wait,” Hinata awkwardly places a hand on her shoulder. “I'm sorry too. I'm not upset, alright? Sorry for not phrasing my question better. I didn’t want to seem like I was snapping at you. It’s just that I'm wondering why you were asking. That’s all. I'm not upset.”

 

“O-Okay…” Tsumiki slowly wipes the corners of her eyes. “I-It’s because I was wondering if Hinata-san is overworking himself… a-and if that’s the reason why he's usually asleep in class nowadays… A-As our class’s nurse, I-I want everyone to f-feel like they can d-depend on me when it comes to healthcare… s-so I wanted to advise Hinata-san to sleep early…”

 

Tsumiki continues speaking even before Hinata can reply. “B-But saying it like t-that makes me sound like I'm meddling, r-right?”

 

“I appreciate it a lot. Thanks, Tsumiki.” Hinata nods, patting her shoulder before retracting his hand. “But you don’t have to worry about that. I actually started sleeping early recently too. I just really realized how much I like sleep, okay? That’s all there is to it.”

 

“B-But…” Tsumiki looks really worried, and she's back to fumbling with her fingers. “H-Hinata-san… O-Oversleeping is not good too… I-It’s been linked to a lot o-of medical problems such as—”

 

“No, it’s okay.” Hinata interrupts. “I’ll be fine, Tsumiki. I promise. You have nothing to worry about.”

 

“Hinata-san…”

 

“I'm okay.”

 

“Hinata-san…” Tsumiki repeats. Hinata can almost see slight beads of tears forming on the corners of her eyes. “…I-I’ll stop pushing it then. B-But if you n-need anything…”

 

“Thanks.” Hinata manages the best smile that he's capable of doing. He's aware that he's not being very convincing at the moment. “I’ll tell you if I need something.”

 

\--

 

As soon as Tsumiki left, but not before shooting him one last worried glance, Hinata thought that he can finally resume his interrupted plan of sleeping. He wipes his desk with his hand even if there wasn’t really a need to.

 

But yet again he was interrupted by the door creaking open, and Hinata can feel himself throwing a rather hostile glare at the door. Every hint of his aggression quickly disappeared when he saw that it was none other than Komaeda, and it was ridiculous how fast the rigidness of his entire body got entirely replaced by a sudden sensation of weakness. He feels like he's going to fall from his seat if he doesn’t grip with his best effort, and his strength gets sucked even more with every step Komaeda took to go nearer him.

 

“Hinata-kun.” Hinata doesn’t understand why the mere sound of Komaeda calling his name seems to be giving him a great deal of emotions at the moment. “I wanted to talk to you… Is now a bad time?”

 

“No.” Hinata replies as soon as the question came out. He even tapped with his slightly shaking hand (he himself can’t believe that he's shaking) the seat that Tsumiki occupied moments ago and motioned Komaeda to sit there. “Not at all. Do you need anything?”

 

He doesn’t understand why Komaeda would be here during break time when he should be with Naegi, and he also doesn’t know what Komaeda might want to talk about with him, but he isn’t complaining. He doesn’t even know if the two of them already spent time together during lunch after that certain event under that damnable tree in the courtyard, but he knows that this isn’t going to happen again anytime soon.

 

“I actually hesitated if I should come talk to you, haha.” Komaeda sheepishly smiles as he sits down on the seat beside him. “I didn’t do it on purpose, it just happened because I was waiting outside, but I heard what Tsumiki-san wanted to discuss with you… and I thought that she's probably far more adequate than me. I mean, I wanted to ask you about the same thing because I was worried as well, and even if I know that Hinata-kun probably thinks Tsumiki-san is a better person to discuss with, I just really have to ask you firsthand or else I won’t be at ease…”

 

If it turns out that Hinata has already fallen asleep as soon as Tsumiki left, if this turns out to be another dream—

 

“Where's Naegi?” Hinata asks. He had to ask. That’s his only way to confirm is this is real or not.

 

“…Huh?” Komaeda makes a confused expression and slightly tilts his head.

 

That’s it.

 

It was a dream, after all.

 

It was too good to be true for Komaeda to spend time with him again during lunch time. It was too good to be true for Komaeda to choose him over Naegi because he himself knows that Komaeda would never, never, _never—_

And despite thinking that he likes sleeping and dreaming about this indulgence, he can’t deny that he hoped for a moment there that this was real.

He scoots forward and wraps his arms around this Komaeda, the Komaeda who’d choose him, the Komaeda who’d still hang out with him during free time. “I'm so glad you're here…”

 

It took a few moments before Komaeda wraps his arms around Hinata too. “Well, like Tsumiki-san, as I said, I was worried about Hinata-kun too… I'm your roommate, so I noticed that you're sleeping a lot… and even if I'm not the Super High School Level Nurse, I know that that’s not a healthy practice…”

 

Hinata just tightens his embrace around Komaeda, ignoring the uncomfortable sensation brought by the makeshift barrier of the sides of their chairs. “I'm so glad…” He finds himself repeating, almost as if he lost the ability to say anything else. “I'm so glad…”

 

He feels Komaeda’s hand slowly going through his hair. “So there really is something wrong… I'm here to listen, Hinata-kun.”

 

“I just miss you so much.” Hinata buries himself on the crook of Komaeda’s neck. Even if this was a dream, somehow, he feels oddly embarrassed about admitting these things out loud. “I miss you so, so much…”

 

“Hinata-kun…” The feeling of hearing Komaeda’s voice was so overwhelming. “I do miss you too.”

 

“I just feel like we never really see each other anymore, you know?” Hinata sounded muffled as he spoke because he insisted on hiding his face on Komaeda. “I want to hang out with you, I want to study with you, I want to eat meals with you—I just, I don’t care what we do as long as we’re together. That’s it.”

 

“…I had no idea you felt that way, Hinata-kun. I-I'm sorry.” Komaeda’s voice seems quieter somehow. “You're really important to me, but… you understand, right? Why I have to be always with Naegi-kun…?”

 

 

 

_What?_

 

Hinata immediately pulls away. He wonders what expression is dominant on his face at the moment. Horror? Surprise? Possibly even a hint of feeling betrayed even if there was no reason for that to show up?

 

Komaeda looked confused again because of Hinata’s sudden pulling away, looking just like how he was when asked where Naegi is.

 

Hinata doesn’t know what's going on anymore.

 

He doesn’t even know what to feel.

 

“At times like this when Hinata-kun is feeling especially down, I'm sure Naegi-kun can understand if I don’t hang out with him for the day.” Komaeda continued speaking. “I asked him if it was okay to be with you for today’s lunch time, and he said it was okay so I was here…”

 

Hinata doesn’t know what to say.

 

“W-What I mean to say is…” A hint of alarm flashed across Komaeda’s face when he noticed that Hinata isn’t responding. “I have to be with Naegi-kun… since we’re in a… relationship, but that doesn’t mean that Hinata-kun can’t come to me when he needs someone to talk to.”

 

“…So where's Naegi?” Is this reality then? He didn’t fall asleep, after all? For some reason, he feels really disoriented. “I asked you earlier…”

 

“Oh, well…” Komaeda bites his lower lip. “I'm sorry I didn’t reply to that question, by the way. I was just confused as to why that was Hinata-kun’s first question upon seeing me… but I’ll answer now, he's in the canteen with his classmates. I'm sorry.”

 

This situation is too funny.

 

If ever Hinata felt sleepy earlier, all trace of it was gone now.

 

He felt awake, like he was jolted with a sudden surge of electricity.

 

He almost said something that he would have regretted saying at this moment.

 

He almost said that he loved Komaeda and he knows that doing so right now will be more problematic than satisfying.

 

“…Just forget everything I said.” Hinata doesn’t know if there's a better save. He doesn’t want to deny the things that he admitted because they were true, but he feels like he has to. “I was half-asleep. I thought I was dreaming.”

 

Komaeda looked unconvinced. Hinata knew too that he sounded too half-assed to actually convince anyone.

 

“Okay, look, in my dream, you were, uh,” Hinata isn’t good with lying, but he has to give it a shot. “You got taken away and uh, Naegi was with you, and I thought you guys were in danger, so that’s why I asked where he was.”

 

Komaeda still doesn’t look convinced.

 

“The dream was fuzzy, okay, but I think you guys were in danger and I think there was a five-year time skip in my dream, ain't sure, so I said I missed you and stuff like that.” Hinata’s words sound hurried. He knows even a kid wouldn’t buy his lie. “That’s it. You have nothing to worry about. Everything’s okay.”

 

It feels like an awkward minute passed before Komaeda replies again.

 

“…If Hinata-kun says so.” He bites his lower lip. “…I still mean the things I said though. Hinata-kun can talk to me anytime.”

 

“Yeah, thanks, I, uh,” Hinata clears his throat. He knows he fucked up again. He could have taken advantage of this situation and savored the fact that Komaeda is choosing him right now, but no. He had to be a coward. “I appreciate it. A lot. You should go back to Naegi and his friends now though because I promise I'm okay.”

 

Komaeda looked hesitant for a moment, but he nodded anyway. “I’ll come home as early as possible tonight, okay? I’d like to talk with Hinata-kun again.”

 

“Yeah, sure. Bye, Komaeda.”

 

Hinata fucked up.

 

 

Somehow, he feels like repeatedly stabbing himself.

 

\--

 

_I’ll come home as early as possible._

Those words rang in Hinata’s head.

 

Those words are also the reason why Hinata doesn’t want to go home early.

 

He's probably being irrational—he doesn’t even know why he's feeling this way. Normally, he’d grab at any chance available just for him to be with Komaeda and receive any form of attention, hell, he knows how rare this situation is, and he seriously doesn’t know why he seems to be letting it go.

 

Who's he kidding, he _is_ letting it go.

 

Right now, he can see that his goal is to return late enough for Komaeda to be asleep by the time he has come home.

 

He knows that he's fucking up again, but hey, he seems to be on a roll, so why not?

 

“Hinata, man, it’s been a while since we last hung out at night! Not like I'm complaining, of course.” Souda says as they walk together, grinning. “Finally decided to get rid of the books, I see. So what do you say we have a soul friends’ night out? Just you and me… and maybe some girls. Or guys, if that’s what you want.”

 

“You know I'm not interested.” Hinata abruptly replies, his disinterest evident in his features. “Just to hang out. That’s all I'm here for.”

 

“Tch, you're no fun, Hinata.” Souda grumbles. “Komaeda wouldn’t mind anyway, right?”

 

More like Komaeda really won’t give a damn, but— “Why are you bringing him up now? This doesn’t concern him.”

 

Souda scratches the back of his head. “Dude, bro, I think you need to let loose. Like, you know, allow yourself to… be with other people. You get what I mean, right?”

 

 

Funny because Souda is that guy known for being relentless and for not giving up on his hopeless attraction to Sonia, and of all people, he was the one indirectly telling Hinata to give it up. It seems that even a guy like him knows that Hinata really doesn’t stand a chance.

 

“Souda, can we, like,” Hinata can feel himself frowning. “Can we not talk about this? Can we just have fun tonight without even thinking about this topic because frankly, the night can progress without it.”

 

“Whoa, alright.” Souda raises both of his hands, as if to say that he surrenders. “Well, excuse me that I get worried about my soul friend and just want him to forget things that obviously stress him out.”

 

“I'm not even stressed out.” Hinata immediately refutes. “I'm not thinking about any worries, I sleep peacefully—”

 

“Right, like, you sleep every single day, Hinata!” It was Souda’s turn to disagree. “You sleep during classes, you sleep during break times, and you go home early to sleep! Like, wow, man, the Hinata I know normally would be that diligent guy who has complete notes. It has always been that way. So are we wrong to think that you're probably bothered by something, dude?”

 

“That again.” Hinata remembers Tsumiki confronting him about too followed by Komaeda. It sounded like a really simple thing—starting to sleep frequently—and he doesn’t know why his class seems to have noticed it as a striking thing. “Look, didn’t you say that you want me to forget things that obviously stress me out? Then why are you pointing out the fact that I'm usually asleep as if it were a bad thing? I'm actually resting myself. Why aren’t you happy about that?”

 

“Because,” Souda’s voice sounds like he's talking to a little child, and it was ridiculous how much it pissed off Hinata. “Too much of anything is bad, jerkass.”

 

“You know what?” Hinata frowns, furrowing his eyebrows as he turns to fully face Souda. “I'm just going to go home. It’s better than this.”

 

“Alright, bro, sorry,” Souda’s hand was firmly around his wrist in an instant. “Okay, let’s do this again. I ain't gonna bring shit up, we’ll just do some plain ol’ hanging out.”

 

Hinata sighs and rolls his eyes before calming down. “…So what are we going to do tonight?”

 

\--

 

A bar.

 

They went to a bar.

 

 

Hinata and Souda are obviously minors, but the guard in the entrance looks like he had a lot to drink as well, just letting anyone enter the place. Upon closer observation too, Hinata can notice that most of the people in the bar are also probably in their age bracket.

 

They sit at a nearby table for two which is luckily unoccupied. It might be ridiculous, but even while being at this place, Hinata still is internally debating whether he should drink alcohol or not. There is always the option of just staying to drink water or juice maybe, but he gets the feeling that Souda won’t let him.

 

“So what are you gonna get?” Souda asks beside him as if reading his mind. “Please don’t say juice.”

 

“What's wrong with juice?” Hinata shrugs. “But fine, I’ll have what you'll have.”

 

“Whoa, really? You sure ‘bout that?” Souda smirks. “Well, I ain't gonna let you take that back anyway. Stay here, I’ll be back.”

 

Hinata just nods as Souda leaves their table to probably see what the bar has to offer firsthand. Bars aren’t really Hinata’s scene—too many people, too much noise, too noticeable smell of alcohol in the air. He momentarily forgets why he's here in the first place, well, until his phone vibrates in his pocket.

 

Ever since that certain time, he has started to associate the vibration of his phone with something bad.

 

He pulls it out of his pocket anyway.

 

‘ _Hinata-kun, why aren’t you home yet?_ ’

 

It was a message from Komaeda.

 

He blinks at his phone’s screen.

 

Is this true? Is Komaeda really checking on him?

 

That’s when he recalls why he's in this crowded and noisy place to begin with. He was trying to get away from Komaeda for some reason that he himself can’t quite comprehend, but one message, _just_ one message from Komaeda, made him question everything that he has decided.

 

A strong feeling of guilt washed over him because why is he even getting away from Komaeda who is actually genuinely concerned over him, from Komaeda who promised to go home early just so he can be there for Hinata to talk with?

 

 

So horrible.

 

Especially since despite these realizations, he still can’t bring himself to move from his position, can’t bring himself to at least type a short reply that confirms that he's alright, can’t do anything to at least address his actions.

 

He stupidly stayed sitting down on the chair that he occupied without doing anything except for scanning the room for Souda.

 

Suddenly, drinking alcohol feels like a good idea.

 

\--

 

 Alcohol doesn’t taste good at all. It feels like it’s burning his throat then chest, and its overall taste is just bad.

 

That’s what goes through Hinata’s mind every single time he keeps on asking for a refill.

 

He doesn’t know how many glasses he has had already, but somehow, his head is starting to slightly hurt…

 

\--

 

“You sure you'll be fine on your own?” That must be the second or third time Souda asked that question. Hinata just nods and he feels his head protesting because of the gesture. His headache has worsened incredibly in a span of half an hour, and he wants nothing but to get a long and rewarding sleep.

 

“It’s not like I'm drunk.” Hinata adds. It’s a wonder that he isn’t drunk, really. He doesn’t know how many glasses he has had earlier, but he was sure that it wasn’t few. Despite the fact that he wasn’t drunk and can still think properly, his head actually feels like it is being drilled by metal.

 

“Alright.” Souda nods this time. “Don’t fall down the stairs, okay? Enter the correct room number.”

 

“I'm not stupid.” Each time Hinata speaks, the pain in his head just worsens even more. “Bye.”

 

Souda echoes his last word, and Hinata starts walking up the stairs. He doesn’t know what time it is at the moment, but the last time he checked, it was around ten in the evening, and that was more or less an hour ago. He sincerely hopes Komaeda is already asleep. Hinata isn’t really in the position to talk anyway, and he gets the feeling that even if he doesn’t have a headache right now, he will if he allows himself to discuss his wellbeing with Komaeda.

 

Hinata makes sure that he is in the correct hall as he continues walking. He's sure that Souda won’t let him hear the end of it if he accidentally knocks on a wrong room. Every time he takes a step, it feels like his head gets shaken that he feels the need to lean it against the door as he searches his pocket for his dorm key.

 

His hand meets the cold material of the key and he momentarily just lets himself do nothing but rest his head against the door. In fact, it’s actually beginning to feel comfortable, and he gets the idea that he should just stay here outside the door overnight and finally sleep.

 

Shaking the foolish thoughts out of his head, he finally takes out the key and inserts it in the keyhole, hearing a soft and satisfying click. He enters the room as quietly as he can as he expects Komaeda to be already asleep, and it takes a while before his mind registers that the light inside their room is in fact switched on instead of the other way around.

 

Both of them are the type to switch off the lights before going to bed, so Komaeda must be still awake—

 

But wait, that’s also wrong.

 

Or at least that’s not something that Hinata will immediately see.

 

Komaeda’s bed is empty.

 

Hinata’s headache gets even more amplified by the confusion that he's currently feeling. Did Komaeda sleep at Naegi’s, after all?

 

So that’s it.

 

The deep guilt that Hinata felt earlier for purposely staying out late in hopes of avoiding Komaeda was for naught, after all. Of course it was stupid to even believe for a second that Komaeda would actually take a piece of his time just to talk about Hinata’s wellbeing. If anything, Komaeda probably even forgot that he promised to go home early.

 

Hinata actually understands now despite the fact that his headache is worsening with each second. He now understands that the reason why he decided to go home late is because he actually took pleasure at the thought of Komaeda waiting for him to go home. He enjoyed the possibility that Komaeda was concerned and worried enough to do that for him.

 

How egocentric.

 

He feels like an idiot.

 

Because in the end, it turns out that he has assumed—

 

A moan.

 

His thought process gets interrupted by a moan.

 

Hinata would have felt scared in a normal setting, seeing as he's in an empty room and he hears someone else moan, if not for the fact that he recognizes that voice.

 

Of course he’d recognize that voice anywhere.

 

It was Komaeda’s.

 

Hinata feels himself shivering when he hears another moan following the previous one. None of this makes sense. He knows for sure that the room is empty—

 

“ _A-Are you sure about this?_ ”

 

He's even more certain now that that was Komaeda. There was a slight difference to it—it sounded a little bit high-pitched compared to the usual and for some reason, it’s as if every word just won’t stop making Hinata shiver.

 

His head turns to face the bathroom door, and that’s when things clicked.

 

Komaeda must be in the bathroom, but why—

 

There was another moan. “ _N-Naegi-kun, I-I think I heard someone at the door earlier._ ”

 

 

Hinata’s not stupid—he's getting a rough idea of what's going on, and he knows that whatever Komaeda and Naegi are doing inside the bathroom is absolutely none of his business. He also knows that the logical course of action in this situation is just to leave the room and make his way to Souda’s while fighting the persisting pain in his head.

 

He knows, but somehow, it feels like all the strength of his legs disappeared, and he was forced to sit down on the floor.

 

He feels so helpless.

 

“ _It’s okay._ ” There was Naegi’s voice. “ _I’ll definitely hear it when someone is at the door._ ”

 

 

Seems he was wrong about that.

 

“ _I-If Naegi-kun says so…_ ”

 

Komaeda moans again, and as if that wasn’t enough, Hinata hears a sloppily wet sound accompanying it. He doesn’t want to think what that is because it can be a number of things—hell, it can be an opened faucet for all he knows—

 

Hinata also doesn’t understand why his body seems to be reacting to this.

 

His head already hurts enough. He doesn’t really want to think anymore.

 

That’s why he doesn’t stop himself from unzipping his own pants as quietly as he can, and he closes his eyes because he knows that he's going to regret this once it’s all over.

 

“ _Komaeda-kun…_ ” Even Naegi’s voice sounded breathy. If Hinata gets distracted enough, he can even say Naegi sounds similar to Komaeda. “ _Can you get down? Is it okay?_ ”

 

Hinata doesn’t hear Komaeda’s reply, but he has a good guess of what it was. Especially since Naegi started letting out a groan, and Hinata did his best to block that voice out. He closes his eyes even firmer, and he visualizes what Komaeda probably looks like at the moment, how it would be like if it was Hinata with him instead.

 

He imagines Komaeda’s mouth wrapped around him, tries to create a sensation realistic enough with his hand, but he knows that no matter what he does, it will always be a poor feeling compared to the real deal, and since he knows that he can’t have that, he’ll just settle for another fabrication yet again.

 

Komaeda’s mouth was hot and wet around him, and the pleasure made his head feel like it was pulsating. The sensations were overwhelming—it’s as if his body doesn’t know which one to take notice first. Each time he allows himself to get lost in the pleasure, his head would protest and remind him how bad his headache is.

 

But he tries so hard to ignore it.

 

He tries so hard to ignore it because there's Komaeda between his legs, and he can’t let a measly headache ruin his attention. Komaeda takes Hinata deeper in his mouth, and Hinata does his best to stifle the moan threatening to come out his lips.

 

He feels Komaeda’s smooth hand gripping him without even stopping for a while with his tongue’s ministrations. He slowly moves his head up, sucking only on his tip, before returning to take him whole again. Hinata made sure to keep his eyes closed because he knows that he might finally get crazy for good if he doesn’t.

 

Komaeda’s long fingers go around him as if teasing him, accompanied with the feeling of his hot tongue circling all over. He hums, and Hinata feels the vibration flow in his entire body. Hinata wonders if Komaeda knows how much he's making Hinata feel because the latter momentarily pulls away, and Hinata almost groans in disappointment.

 

“ _That’s enough, Komaeda-kun. Come here._ ”

 

Hinata keeps his eyes closed, still doing his best to block out the voice that he doesn’t want to hear at the moment, but he knows that he's about to fail.

 

“ _I love you so much, Naegi-kun._ ”

 

_No, no, no._

_I love you so much, Hinata-kun_ —he tries to replace that name in his mind, but he knows that his concentration has been taken and trampled down already. He opens his eyes, and he sees his own hand placed pathetically on himself.

 

His headache is worsening even more.

 

He was sitting alone on the floor, leaning against the wall near the bathroom’s door, listening in on Komaeda and Naegi’s private moment and even getting off to it like a creepy freak who has no sense of privacy.

 

He was slapped with a sudden wave of guilt and shame because he feels like he has disrespected Komaeda, disrespected Naegi, disrespected the both of them at the same time, and he's a horrible person for even imagining Komaeda _that way_ , doing _those things_ —he feels guilty because he claims to love Komaeda yet what he did doesn’t make him different from a perverted and obsessed stalker who only cares to satisfy himself.

 

He really doesn’t deserve Komaeda.

 

He never did.

 

He never will.

 

He was too childish and idiotic to even have assumed back then that he had a chance.

 

Komaeda’s too good for him.

 

His hand was shaking as he zips up his pants, and it now feels like his headache is stealing all of his strength. He ignores the fact that despite the heavy guilt and shame that he was feeling, he was still half hard like the filthy person he is.

 

_I'm so sorry, Komaeda. I'm so sorry, god, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry—_

 

He fails to understand why there are tears on his eyes because he doesn’t even deserve to cry—someone like him doesn’t deserve to cry especially now in this situation. He lets himself cry anyway because he wants and loves Komaeda so much even if what he did just proves that they're worlds apart.

 

He drags himself towards the upper bunk bed as quietly as he can, and he was so relieved when he got to his destination because he honestly believed that he’d fall off any moment.

 

He wishes that he’ll be able to deliver a lie convincing enough tomorrow, a lie saying that he heard absolutely nothing and that he slept as fast as he arrived.

 

As he closes his eyes and tries to drift to sleep, only one thought repeatedly crosses his mind.

 

_There really is no hope for someone as disgusting as him._


End file.
